The Woman Hood

Never has this saying been more apropos than now.

Queen Elizabeth II passed away peacefully on Thursday September 8, 2022 at the age of 96 after a 70 year reign.

The only other monarch to make it that long was King Louis XIV who managed to reign 2 years longer Darn it! Did it have to be a man?! But then, he was 20 years younger when he died. So to all intents and purposes, she still wins. HAHA!

The Queen’s passing has reignited a lot of anger and outrage among people from former colonies and other areas where the British Empire made its presence felt in most unwelcome and unpleasant ways.

There is no denying that the British Empire instituted numerous atrocities during a time in history when European entities felt it was their right to “conquer” and “own” lands and peoples miles and miles away from their home. As that time drew to an end, some colonies were graciously “given” independence and the colonial leaders left. “The right thing to do for the people!” Ah, but the masters’ hands were forever in the pot stirring up whatever would be most beneficial to them, whether through means of religion, education, weapons or war. They never truly left. And the brunt of their influence was felt, not by the common man in their home countries, but by the native colonized population who had been stripped of power and identity and whose path through history had been deliberately rerouted.

Some say that after the colonial masters left, African nations made a mess of themselves without the guidance of said masters. This shows the utmost lack of respect for the leadership structures that were already in place long before the Europeans arrived on Africa’s shores. There were empires and kingdoms, religions and education, industry and agriculture in Africa long before the colonial masters took every thing for themselves. Africa was like a ripe fruit ready for plucking and that is what the European powers did. (and still do.)

All this is true!

And the anger, outrage and pain are sincere and not to be denied.

No one should be told not to feel what they feel.

Aha!….that brings us to a very British thing, doesn’t it? Stiff upper lip and carry on as usual.

Emotions and opinions are just that and they do not supersede duty!

Enter: Queen Elizabeth II, age 25, a queen quite by accident, but properly indoctrinated to perform her duty to the royal empire and the church of England first and foremost. Her father had died but her mother, a remnant from that generation, was on hand for many more years to guide and advice and help keep her true to her duty. This inheritance was a giant load to be laid upon her young shoulders and I imagine that she thought, if she would just dedicate herself to her duty and do everything by the book, she would be a successful queen, securing the support of her people, and have nothing to worry about.

She had a great deal of help since she did not really need to run the government. Many decisions and actions would be made and taken without her input or even knowledge. All she needed to do, was dedicate her life, her body, her mind, in essence her all, to the duty of keeping the Empire alive. Everything and anything else, would have to be secondary.

That is the life of a royal! Born into extreme privilege but bound and shackled by duty and tradition.

And to that end, she was a true and faithful servant.

Queen Elizabeth was not a radical who would decide to go against everything she had been taught. She followed diligently on the path that had been laid out for her and did all that was required of her for the survival of the empire.

Sadly, to the detriment of many innocent people.

The fact is, there cannot be a leader without blood on their hand! In the game of power and politics, there will always be a winner and a loser. Unfortunately, this game is not one played on a board, it is played at the expense of real people, real lives and real nations.

And so it is to be expected that there will be those who mourn and those who rejoice at the end of the era.

Alas, that is the story of history.

Now she has gone on to meet her maker who alone can say if she fulfilled her mission here on earth.  

As we look upon the crown bearing the South African Cullinan Diamond seated upon her coffin we wonder if she can indeed now lie easy or if she even ever did.

In conclusion, I would like to say a few words of my own as a woman since that is the purpose of this blog. As a woman, I ask myself, in that situation, could/would I have done anything different?

We don’t know this woman personally or really know what she thought or how she felt. These things were kept hidden from us. It is difficult to make a pure judgement based only on our side of the story.

What she did represent to me:

• A woman at the top. A Queen!

A woman whom men bowed to. Her husband walking behind her.

Most of us in our daily lives must fight to be heard. We go to the spa to “feel like a Queen.”

We look for men who care for us and call us their Queen.

She had all that! Yes, she was just lucky that she was born into it, but still, she lived what we dream.

And the truth is, we are all Queens! We just don’t live it. She lived it because she knew it and therein lies the key. We need to KNOW that we are Queens. Then we will live the reality of it.

• She carried all the weight that a woman does – daughter, wife, mother, grandmother

And it was not always easy. Any woman who is the primary breadwinner knows that it is not always easy balancing the “power” battles in the family. It is hard but necessary to be able to talk with your partner about such matters so that we are not carrying the weight of feeling guilty for doing what is necessary.

Children go off and do their own thing. Sometimes, they disappoint us. Hurt us. That is just that nature of things. She might have thought that all her offspring would act and dutifully and righteously as she had done, but she must have been sorely disappointed many times. Being a mother is no small feat, no matter your position in society.

• She was human!

Like you and I.

She was not better than anyone, she was the same as everyone. She just happened to be born into the family she was born into. We all have the capacity for good and bad within us. And we all have the power of choice. And we all live life daily, doing the best we know how with the information and background we have been given.

• Objectively speaking, she was an ever-present part of the last 70 years of human history.

A kind of sameness in a world where change is constant and getting faster and more drastic.

So, woman to woman, I say…

R.I.P. Queen Elizabeth II

One of my goals for this blog was to showcase and celebrate everyday sheroes.  All too often celebrities and well known people receive the world’s accolades, but there are so many unsung sheroes who do all the work behind the scenes, put food on the table, educate and raise children, make ends meet, lift up communities, save lives…..in other words, they make the world go round. These are the women I want to lift up. They are me and you, they are “ordinary”, and in as much as we get motivation and advice from famous people who have “made it”, our own stories are no less worthy and telling them will strengthen others who may be in the same situation and needing to hear that story to find their inner worth and to keep them going.

And so begins the ‘Heroines R Us’ Series of The Woman Hood Blog.

We will meet our heroines and travel with them through their three ‘B’s – Background (where they come from), Battles (what they’ve been through) and Blossoms (what they out with) and learn valuable lessons that we can incorporate into our own lives.

I hope you enjoy the experience.

Here is Heroines R Us episode one: “Conquering Bode Thomas”

Lagos, Nigeria – April 2019

A year before the pandemic caused absolute turmoil and upheaval all over the world.

I had returned to the city I grew up in for my 25^th College Graduation Anniversary celebration. It had been nine years since I was last here and that visit as well as the ones before it had been for funerals and goodbyes, not celebrations.

Stepping out of the airplane into the familiar heat and humidity, the noise and commotion at the passport check counters and baggage claim, followed by the chaos and stand still traffic outside the airport, all made me realize how much I had missed home.

You think New York is a hustle? You have not been to Lagos!

It is said that if you learn to drive in New York City, you can drive anywhere in the U.S. but the truth of the matter is that if you learn to drive in Lagos, you can drive anywhere in the world.

Anyway, here I was, back home. Met by friends at the airport, I was excited and ready to experience everything I had missed for the last nine years.

I could write at length about my numerous experiences, but to take us to the Heroine of today’s story, we will focus on the experience of Food!  One thing I absolutely love is Nigerian Food!

The College of Medicine of the University of Lagos is located in the Idi Araba, Surulere area of Lagos and not too far from its main gate, a quick bus ride could take you to a bustling commercial street called Bode (pronounced ‘Baw-day’) Thomas Street. As a student, my friend and I would make this trip frequently to visit a friend of her mother’s, who owned a small cozy eatery there. We loved those moments in her company, and we loved her food. Going back there now 25 years later, the “small eatery”, though still on Bode Thomas, had grown into a fully-fledged restaurant with two other branches in Lagos offering catering, an onsite bakery AND a boutique. Welcome to Mama Delta’s Kitchen and in the middle of it standing tall, proud and beautiful is the woman who birthed, nourished and raised this dream.

I knew I had found my first Heroines R Us Interview!

Background

Mrs. Martha Oghenerume Okhifo is the Founder and CEO of Mama Delta’s Kitchen Ltd. The restaurant name pays tribute to the featured cuisine from Delta state in Nigeria, her parents’ home state.

Although her parents are of Delta state origin, Sister Martha, as we fondly call her, was born and raised in Ibadan, Oyo state located in the Yoruba south of Nigeria. Another area rich with its own cuisine, also served at Mama Delta’s Kitchen.

During the Nigerian Civil War (1967 – 1970), her parents moved back to Delta state and after the war, relocated to Lagos, the booming commercial center and then capital of the country.  

She had her secondary education at St. Teresa’s College, a Catholic all-girls boarding school in Ibadan and went on to study Fashion Design. Hence, the boutique at Mama Delta’s Kitchen.

She had big dreams of becoming a fashion designer but she got married at the tender age of 18, and even though she had always enjoyed cooking, it was cooking for her family that led to a discovery she had not expected – a passion for cooking. As luck would have it, cooking turned out to be not just a lifeline during a trying time for her family, but a life-long successful career.

Battles

Discovering a passion or talent is never the end of the story. It is where the story begins. It is when the trials come, when you must prove yourself, when you must hold on to your dream even if it means rocking the boat in a relationship.

Remember how I said we used to visit Sister Martha when her restaurant was just a small eatery? Well, even then, she had already come a long way. The first time she sold food, it was from a small table set up in front of the apartment building on Bode Thomas where she lived with her family.

Her husband had gone back to school to finish his studies and the local economy was bad for her fashion business, so she took the initiative and began to sell a product that was in higher demand than fashion – she began to sell her food. It was not long before she was supporting the family through cooking.

From that small table in front of her flat, her food sold so well that the landlord of another building down the street asked her to set up her food table in front of his building in order to reach a larger customer base.

She would need more food, more plates, more utensils, and more money to get started but her husband did not support the idea. Much as she loved and supported her husband, supporting the family was paramount so she went behind his back to borrow the money on her own. This is a big deal if you think about it.  We are talking about the days when women stayed home, had to obey their husbands, were not allowed to have opinions of their own and certainly did not own businesses.

She was 28 and was starting her business with 400 Naira (approx. $200 in those days) she had borrowed against her husband’s wishes and would have to pay back as soon as possible. The pressure was on!

Being new to this area, she had to promote herself by going up and down the street inviting passersby to ‘come and eat her hot rice and stew’.

Word spread and her food table under the Guava tree became a breakfast and lunch favorite as she worked from 6am till 1pm or till all the food was gone.

But her success did not win her husband’s approval. He was not pleased.

“You have disgraced me”, he said to her, not liking the idea that his wife should be standing under a tree cooking and selling food to all and sundry. This was not his idea of success for a well-educated woman married to a well-educated man.  

This was a tough time in their relationship because she stood her ground and they could not agree. But having made it through this trial, she says that it was the only time they ever disagreed. Over the continuing years of her increasing success and the financial support she was able to contribute to the household, he saw and accepted that she was doing the right thing and had indeed been right all along. He finally became one of her ardent supporters.

From the table at 129 Bode Thomas, she moved her business into a family plot at 122 Bode Thomas which gave her more room to expand. So much so that she had to move again and spend some time at a larger location just off Bode Thomas street.

Her next and last move was the one that brought her into the present location, occupying an entire building at 123 Bode Thomas. Spacey enough to include, as previously mentioned, an eat-in restaurant, a boutique featuring high end couture and fashion accessories, a bakery run by her daughter which offers snacks and sweets as well as baked to order cakes AND parking in front of the building.

Apart from her husband’s initial lack of support, other obstacles she has had to overcome include finding and keeping loyal and trustworthy staff and dealing with Government Taxes and Legislature which are often corrupt, do not favor small business owners, and are especially unkind to women. She has waged most of these wars on her own, armed only with resolve and resolute Faith but her real test of character came in 2004 when her husband suffered a stroke and she became his primary care taker while still running the business, now as the sole breadwinner. After three months of prayer and sheer determination, her husband was mostly recovered, and her business was still on top.

Blossoms

It is clear that Mama Delta’s Kitchen is the first and most visible blossom but apart from Sister Martha’s triumphant success in business, it is worthy of note she has a thriving family life. Still happily married to her husband, all her children have grown up in the business and have become successful contributors to it. Her daughter, having inherited her mother’s passion, attended culinary school and now runs the bakery part of the restaurant.

She is also an active member of her church and leans heavily on her Faith in all her day to day activities and interactions. It is undeniably the source of her incredible strength but also endows her with a beauty that emanates from within. You would be hard pressed to meet her without a smile on her face and she is always dressed to impress.

A fellow church member complimenting her on her style had recently told her that she never looks like someone who ever has problems. She laughed. Her philosophy is simple:

“Look, whatever makes me happy and is not a sin, I do it! I do what makes me happy! It makes me happy to take good care of myself. I like to dress. I like to look and feel good.”

“…once I make up my mind to succeed, I take everything not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity” and “…when you have no other option, you just know that you have to do it”

And above all, “…just put God at the center of it all!”

So what have we learnt?

We can learn so much from Sister Martha.

1)

For one thing – Everything starts with a decision! A Vision! She said she made up her mind to succeed and stuck with it.

Many times we say to ourselves “let me TRY this or that” Noooo!!! As Master Yoda teaches in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, “Do or do not. There is no TRY”

We have to make a solid decision about what we want to be or achieve and then doggedly hold on to that vision.

2)

Sister Martha welcomed every obstacle as an opportunity. Yes!!!!

The obstacle is not the part where you say “oh, this isn’t meant for me, I give up!”

The obstacle is the part where you dig in your heels and find that something inside yourself that you didn’t even know you had but that was there all the time and seize that opportunity to become more and better.

This is the part where you learn your lessons!

3)

She said “when there is no other option, you just know you have to do it” Yes!!!!

Don’t look for the plan B, Success is the only option. You know you have to do it, you know you should do it and you know you CAN!

4)

Put God at the center of it all.

You may not be the religious type, but there is something greater than you and if you focus on that, the energy and wherewithal will be provided for you to succeed.

5)

And most importantly, you need to know that YOU DESERVE IT! And YOU ARE WORTH IT!

I love that Sister Martha puts herself first. She cares for herself. She fully appreciates that it makes her happy to look and feel good! Hello!!!!

It does not mean that she does not have problems and worries. Those are a part of life. You can not escape them. But those should not be your reason for being. They are distractions.

YOU are the reason you are here. You! So you need to take care of YOU!

You can not give what you do not have. You need to fill your soul first. Make yourself happy. Make yourself feel good. THEN your life will make meaning to others.  

And hey, you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are capable and you ARE a heroine, even if no one has told you so, and YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Special Thanks to Sister Martha for sharing her story with us and Thanks to all the heroine readers. Sending you Love!

Come enjoy a meal at Mama Delta Kitchen, 123 Bode Thomas St, Surulere 101241, Lagos, Nigeria

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This post is two days late, but no matter, because the History that has been made will last forever.

American biochemist Jennifer A. Doudna, left, and the French microbiologist Emmanuelle Charpentier are the FIRST WOMEN to be awarded this prize, and well deserved it is; Their genome editing work may have finally out us at the cusp of a curing cancer and genetic diseases.

We stand in Awe!

Click here for full article

With the pandemic taking its toll on most industries, the X-rated jobs are not exempt. Everyone is doing their best to keep things going to be able to have a place to live and food on the table and strippers are no different.

Taking their power and their finances into their own hands, the ladies of the Jumbo’s Clown Room are reinventing the stripper show, making money AND making donations.

I say Kudos!

Read the full article in the Los Angeles Times here!

Great news out of Niger in this article by Nellie Peyton!

…and if you know anything about Islamic Patriarchal Law in African countries, you will know that this is a HUGE step!!!

Kudos to Niger, I pray this will be upheld.

READ ARTICLE HERE…

 

 

I am feeling just a little disappointed this morning.

This weekend marked the third anniversary of the women’s march on Washington DC, with a march planned for New York City.

I am pleased that the women’s march continues and that we are still making our voices heard. This is a huge example we are setting for the following generations of girls.

My disappointment? There were TWO marches in New York because the organizing group broke into two separate groups – the National Women’s March, New York Branch and the Women’s March Alliance.

I cannot believe that we can’t just get together as a unified front in a fight for our rights and STAY UNIFIED.

I was shocked when I heard about the breakup. What could possibly cause that?

Turns out it was because some members of the National Women’s March Leadership in Washington had previously expressed support for Louis Farrakhan, the Nation of Islam Leader who is known to have made many an anti-Semitic remark in his time.  The ladies of the National group have since distanced themselves from these remarks, but all the same New York City was blessed with two marches.

Gloria Steinem, numero uno feminist and political activist, urged us to march either way, saying “March with one of them. Just march!”

I appreciate that she said that because although I would rather have had one big unified march, even as two groups, we are still out there making noise. So she is right! Just March!

And so the two groups were out there and noise and points were made.

But I am still disappointed.

I truly believe that we humans have got to learn to shed our “us and them”-ness and come together as one. Why must we always be right and someone else be wrong? Why can we not lay down our differences in the name of a cause? Or in the name of humanity?

And what better day to discuss this, because today we celebrate the life and legacy of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

You know why we celebrate him? Because he taught INCLUSION. He brought people TOGETHER to fight the cause.

We need to learn to listen. We need to learn to understand. We need to learn to forgive. And sometimes we need to learn to accept.

If we keep looking for the wrong within each other and then hold up the wrong to show just how right we are, we can never be unified. Remember the age old strategy – divide and conquer? It works every time. In politics, in business, in families.

If we are dividing within ourselves, the outside forces that we are fighting will always conquer us. We are laying the ground work for them. They don’t even have to divide us…we’ve got that covered. All they need to do is come right in and conquer.

Reading various articles reporting the breakup of the march, you can feel the cynicism, sense the humor with which they demean and devalue the march and in essence, the women. Why would we give them that?

We, women, all TOGETHER, would be the strongest force.

But we have to evolve to be bigger than we are, we literally have to become our best selves. We have to be willing to lose the egos, we have to listen, understand and forgive.

Martin Luther King said “We must live together as brothers or perish as fools” He was a man.

I, a woman, dare to paraphrase – “We must live and fight together as sisters or perish as fools”

Before I leave you with this poignant speech Martin Luther King Jr. delivered at Dexter Avenue Baptist Church, Montgomery, Alabama, on 17 November 1957, I tease out one quote from it:

“First, we must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one’s enemies without the prior acceptance of the necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us.”

There will always be disagreements between us. We are individuals. We each have our own minds and think differently. There will always be things said that we do not agree with or do not like. There will always be things said that are mean, vile and outright wrong.

But turning our back is not the only answer.

Clear communication is the beginning. Listen, Understand, Explain. But I can promise you that it will not end there. Wrong will rear its head again and again and the key is to, as Martin Luther King  said in the quote above “…over and over again…” forgive!

Come together women from every location, from every culture, from every faith. Come together and let us learn each other, and let us live as sisters…and not perish as fools.

Stay inspired always.

Transcribed 17 November 1957 Speech – Click Here

Recorded 17 November 1957 Speech – Click Here

Welcome, beautiful women of the world! Welcome back to The Woman Hood and to the wonderful start of an awesome new year!!!

From the fuzzy, unfocused video above you will see that we are still learning to incorporate the video experience in our space. So, yes, we are old school! (and proud of it) But have no fear, 2019 is here. This is the year that everything is going to come alive!!! And the video signing off at the end of 2019 will be a WHOLE lot better than this video we came into the year on.

This is an extra special year for me, because even though The Woman Hood just turned TWO, in a few short weeks I will be turning FIFTY!!! And I am totally owning it, embracing it, enjoying it and celebrating it and I am infusing all that excitement into The Woman Hood.

I want this to be my healthiest, fittest and best year ever! I want to LIVE and BE on my journey of empowerment and I want to share it all with you right here in “The Hood”.

All the great things The Woman Hood (TWH) was created to do, will begin to blossom this year. Starting with the awesome line up of interviews with some of the most amazing Sheroes in the world – Women just like YOU!!! Women who ARE YOU!!!

We will learn to love and celebrate who we are. We will care for ourselves. I am already signed up for the New York City Half Marathon in the Spring and I plan to do the Full Marathon in the Fall as well and I invite you to join me. I am building a team, so come on! (Contact me)

Before the end of the year, the TWH Store will be open so we will be able to show off and let the world know that we, WOMEN, will change the World (Thank Goodness!)

We are awesome, we are worthy, we are proud and we are going next level!

So stay tuned for what’s next, Stay blessed and always…

Stay inspired!!

Someone posted this video in a chat room I am a member of.

I had to share it.

The love and strength of this woman, this ‘regular’ woman is the exact reason for this Blog. To showcase the amazing unsung female heroes in everyday world.

Remember, you do not have to be Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Hilary Clinton, Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Meryll Streep or Beyonce to make a difference in this world. You only have to make a difference in the world immediately around you and you have already changed the world at large.

Be Inspired!

Dedicated to Mother Earth…